One more phone call
"I'm sorry I can't make it in."
One more cheap whiskey and one cigarettes time and I already regret the decisions I've made but it's just because I wish I could be closer to you.
I'm scared to leave incase it's the last time i see you.
I just want to enjoy today!
Even if it's a dillusion it's better than my reality and is that really so bad?
Even though I know this is going nowhere
It's fun to pretend that maybe somebody wants me
At least now I know what is meant by fools paradise and I know just how easy it is to believe my own lies
The clock ticks on so slowly
Roaring at me with the passage of time
My god I'm
Who cares if i'm self indulgent because the fact is that i have tried to humor you!
I'm sick of all this giving and getting nothing back.
I sit and I comfort you but you remain completely oblivious to what's going on?!
How is that fair?
How is this fair?
In the glow of the monitor light I sit here drinking in an effort to numb this pain and yet I know that it won't
But that's no reason to give up.
The only reason I listen to my own music so much is because I'm astounded that I helped to create something beautiful and that seems crazy to me
It makes me think that maybe I can create something worthwhile but then I watch everybody else
Did you see the boy on the corner in the crystal meth haze
and the girl on the doorstep in a heroin daze?
Did you clock the beggars in pink lighting,
dealers stooped in shadowed archways,
back seat encounters of the shallowest kind
and the technicolour parade?
Well we've seen the drag queens and we've seen the addicts die,
we've tasted the sweat of the half clothed men and we've heard ourselves deny it for the last time.
I've locked away the tears and the filth so I just want to know;
Can anyone show me the place I can go to because I need to find the pride.
Did noone ever tell you sweetheart that your looks will someday fade?
H
this feeling rises in the pit of my heart and all i can think of doing
is tearing you apart.
It's just blatant disregard for those who lie around
and all you seem to care about is not getting your shoes dirty as you
step over the bodies on the ground
It's selfish and pathetic,
this anguish it's gnawing
and god help me i try but i cant help but find this boring.
I'm running out of places that i can go
to hide from your face when you're looking at me like i'm that guy you used to know!
I need to find a way to breathe without my chest ripping.
I need to find a way to cry without my mood dipping.
Looking at the pictures of me as a c
The flailing of my arms in swinging strobe light
Flashes back into the night
and I stare at the cracks in the ceiling and delight whilst i sip another vodka and coke
The fleeting, passing sights of people dancing in the tide fades back into the night
and I open my eyes to gaze at the empty room around myself
and smile cos I know I'm not alone
The energy takes over in the house and on the dance floor of the seedy back alley bar
Limply, energetically it's all the same to me
Passionate movements without a shred of regard for where you are
I wouldn't sacrifice this
I want this sweet reality
The crowd throbs around me,
and I weave
so much smoke flows freely luminous in the glow of the monitor light,
And in tonght's silent reflection I realised
you'll never love me and although i don't love you too
that doesn't mean i don't want you.
It's just hidden by a web of built up hostility and a snap of tongue
Because that the pain of being shot would bring me down
I'll never know if this flood of panic is just a latent stress or if I'm just a mess but what's a boy to do?
I know I'm tired of hanging around
This layer of guilt on this miserable lie
is just a consequence of a pain built up inside
The layer of sorrow in this miserable life
can be cut away with my miser
The pitter patter and the relentless clatter of the rain on my bedroom window refuses to step back,
Get down and pray for day before that monster comes back
There's not long left so sweetie wipe that tear from your cheek
This is the end, this is the end
She points her heels to jesus but you don't have to too
We're not lost, we're here
Step back, step back and take it in
The pitter patter and the relentless clatter of that pacing on the landing can't go on for ever
It all ends tonight
Slap on a grin to that well defined chin and step back
This is it
Your phone rang far too soon and though we both knew you had to leave
A mist was rising and a fog fell heavy on England's pastures green
We knew that Soldiers bled in fields and we saw the river die
We fell together in a war so bloody that the rattle of the battle shrank to a sigh
Forget me not forever dear
Remember me through thin and thinner
My dreams are resting 6 feet below the hustle bustle of a busy New York street
Tread cautiously on the clouds that float beneath the pitter patter of this chaotic,
psychotic street
And this is not a brutal similie for a world like a burning blaze
It's not a tyrannical metaphor for a lord in ne
I cant believe that three mornings ago
I forgot what it was like to wake up
And see your face before any other
I cant believe that i forgot
Maybe it's really that i love you
maybe i feel obligated to
but all i know is that im enjoying our time
the time i get to spend with you
you've said the sweetest things
two nights ago
since i last saw you
on reflection since i wrote the last verse
i love you and i'm not scared to say
because this is my life, you are my world
this is it
my life
you are it
my life
you are my everything
nothing else matters because one night ago
you made me feel everything
i felt you,
and i loved it
I was feeling low,
You were there
Didn't care about my flaws
Or my countless emotional problems
When i was spitting life
all over my floor
my door
my walls
and all over you
you were there
You worried about me
Despite the stress i caused
And then i caused some more
But as long as i have my family of friends
I can conquer it all
Playing a set, rush
Loving someone, Rush
Being in your company is my all time high
And i never want to wave farewell
Jen patched me
Liz healed me
Ad Humoured me
Simon laughed with me
Sam and Stef worried about me
The names are there, as are the faces and there are so many of then
Too many faces
Ficticious dreams and
Faraway fantasies
Empty beer glasses
Sneering children on the corner of your street
TV screens and
Monitor dreams
Half drank cider
near of empty JD
Big fish, small pond
I'm right but you're not wrong
I'm tapping out whilst you're caressing me
Letting me breathe
Your life has no backing music
No fade to black
Brightness or contrast
Poppers, speed and LSD
Star Trek, cinemas, punk gigs and burberry
Chav, Goth, Greebo
Don't fall into a category
When i see you i smile,
you are the light,
but i realised that you had been darkened,
stricken,
but that made you who you are,
rise above it and be strong, powerful, intellectual
No matter what happens,you are mine,
i will help and protect for as long as i can
as long as life allows
I am that sympathetic ear
my shoulder is salt stricken but ready to receive your tears,
no matter what,
no matter who,
no matter why,
I will be there,
My shoulder is crying
because you are not on it,
crying
I thought you could trust me
believe in me
but i guess not,
i want you to know that if you change your mind i am here.
I will kill whate
If i try
to hold you in my sleep
it's just my subconscious
trying to stop you breathing
cos i dont wanna be here
I watched the look
engraved upon your face
the pretend happiness
the optimism when nothing's there to hope for
If I try
to think about the things that you are feeling
Then i hope that you kill me
You're so complex, pretentious
I wish that you would speak to me
When I see the light
you're the one holding the torch
the one that's keeping me alive
there's two that help me
I hope that I can help you
When you see
The things that i am thinking
I'm sure that you will hate me
never want to be near me
And i don't blam
When i look at you i feel the hate burn and the fires despise
Hell in your eyes and your soul, i know it's less than heaven in your mind
but i know what will happen and the bumpy road will pass
to all those fucks behind you, breathing you're dust, tell them you'll be laughing last
you're life's a war but not a game
nail your feet and your hands to blasphemy
find a scene and live it breathe it
be whatever you want to be
the life drained and the inspiration left
nothing was how it used to be
nobody saw, except for a few, what you could see,
hear screaming and flee from the scene
but some stayed
you're looking at the world and breat
Optimistic World of Dreams by Punked45, literature
Literature
Optimistic World of Dreams
Sip a Martini and throw back some JD,
Never give in, never take notic,
'cos one day you will be able to spit from ten floors up
whilst they're rolling around in the gutter.
"Should've worked harder when I had the chance,"
Well they wudda, if they weren't focused on the next school dance.
Well I could've done better if I'd never met her,
but I'm gonna have to commit if I'm ever gonna prove that i want it.
I'll never use a Mac because I'm used to a PC
but i still want to take the time to step away
and live in a world of dreams.
There's things I want and there's those that I need,
but nothing compares to that world of dreams,
where
"You're bleeding!"
"I have been for longer than you know"
There's no way out anymore, you've been discovered
You can't even do this right,
The world will continue to be lumbered
with you, yet another gruesome sight.
I can't believe I've been found,
almost drowned
In a sea of self-loathing, sweat and blood
I'm rotting away, the way I should
I'm looking at him crying,
dying
to get out and I can't believe that I've been looking all this time
Never understanding, deaf to his cries
Blood drips and leaks and spills
on the floor,
He's getting light headed,
Tears are dripping, leaking, spilling
and they will forevermore
Forgive
I'm sick of being tired,
And I'm sick of being scared,
I'm sick of these 4 walls,
I hate being unblissfully aware...
Of those things you say behind me,
Without hearing a word,
I'm leaving crop circles in the carpet,
When I walk I scortch the earth.
I'm sick of being tired of this room and of these faces,
I'm tired of walking the same old walk through the same old boring places.
I'm sick of the same old same old shit, the way it makes me feel,
The way I am around these bottles, the way they are to me
I'm sick of meeting 2 new people and watching 4 different lives,
I'm sick of rubbing my face in the dirt when I should be caressing
Death
A mystery to the mortal man
People will fear death according to what they believe
Is there heaven?
Is there hell?
Is there nothing?
Is there a life after life?
Reincarnation?
Who is the bigger fool in the scheme of things…
The man who worships a god who has never shown his face
And lives a life abiding by this false sense of security
But lives a life of bliss and hopefulness as though to reach his place of rest?
Or the man who worships no one and believes nothing but what he's seen
Who lives a life of mockery and self-preservation
But lives a life in fear of what's unknown, what will happen when he dies…
A mystery to the
Do you want a kiss
The kiss of vampires
Fangs exploding
Lips are bleeding
Darkness embracing
Wrath engaged
Bleeding dry while staring into your face
A perfect face
Mezmerizing with your beauty
The avenging black angel
Come to rescue me from hell
And take me to your heaven
Faith erased
Drowning in the perfect blackness of your eyes
This life regained
Our love is sin
The dawn is rising
but we are falling
The night is embracing
Greeting us
Something to waste
as we fade away...
Okay so today sucks! Its 12:06pm and I have had a phone call threatebning to throw me outta college and i got really down and now i have thrown back quite a bit of whiskey/ I have college in 90 minits and i am fuckin slaughtered and after that......i have a job interview. I dont even have my bank information to take to the interview!
Oh My Ficking Christ!!!! Why does the earth never swallow you up when you really want it to??? ='o(
I have been workin for 8 hours and it's now 4am, god i hate college. I've barely made a dent in the work i have to do and its startin 2 get irritating. I have drank so much god damn coffee and im still forcing my head 2 not hit the keyboard, AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! DAMMIT!!!!
anyway, just needed a quick bitch about it *phew* i feel betta =oP
Well it's been a long time since I posted a journal so here goes:
I split up with my boyfriend which isn't that bad because I'm kinda enjoying being single at the minute and i can look at other guys without feeling guilty now. Also I can go out when I want, do what I want and i don't have to worry about any sort of commitments except college.
Speaking of going out, me and stef pretty much have been repeatedly and gettin hammered time after time, it's great, but right now im sat in college with my head pounding away and feelin like i could throw up on this nice little keyboard any second.
I made up with the people I used to be in a band wi
awww bless, my burkey bites are gone, but i think i saw ian brown hanging around in the bushes by my house last night, they were rustling cos he was dancing